2017-07-19 Feeling lost…

Yesterday went fairly ok. I made myself be cheerful, even though it took a lot of energy out of me. Mom and I are still planning to move to Alberta within a month and a half – 2 months. We want to be out there by the end of August beginning of September. That I’m excited for.

I just feel really lost. I feel like everything that I come in contact with turns to crap. Last fall before my birthday I went to get a new car. I hadn’t had my own for a few years. But, because of the car it put me into a really tough place financially. I had been trying to get my finances back in order, but it just felt like trying to get air while in the ocean during a hurricane and the waves just keep pushing you down. Mom gave me some help, which I would like to repay her back. It might just take a really long while. So, now that she has helped me a few times she’s now in the hole. I’m trying to keep things 50/50 but I guess for her it feels like I’m doing nothing. The other day I wanted to help get the garbage and recycle out, but I ended up falling asleep and she likes to put it out late at night. I probably could cook a bit more, but the thing is I never know what to make. I’m more of a baker while my mom is the cook and can literally pull shit from her ass and it tastes good. I need everything precise.

Another thing that is making me feel lost is the fact that I feel lonely socially. Mom thinks this has to do with what I went through growing up thanks to her ex husband, but I have tried telling her that it isn’t related. She just doesn’t get it. I’m just lonely. I can hang out with some people, but I feel like I have to limit what I talk about. Sure, some people that you encounter in life think about things differently than you do, and like different things than you do. But, I need just one person that I can talk with about anything and everything with. And yes I used “with” because I would like someone that can talk to me about their issues and not have to be worried about being judged, just like I wish that for myself. And, no that does not necessarily mean some one who has the same interests as me at all. Its just someone that can exchange topics and emotions with me with out having to hold back, and for me to do the same. Someone that I can communicate with where we don’t have to feel like we are censoring ourselves around each other. Yeah, dating might be nice in the future. But, I’m not even remotely asking for that. I would like a best friend.

I can talk with my mom…sure, but even with her I feel like I have to filter myself. I get told that I don’t need to go into a speel about something that I like because she doesn’t “need to hear it”, but she goes on about her love quests and the like. I don’t need to hear about the guys or her love life at all, but I don’t say anything. Why? Because that is what a decent person does.

I get told by a friend’s boyfriend to stop talking about some topics because it gets annoying. And yet I sit there and listen to him go off about cars. I don’t give a flying shit about cars. But, why do I sit there and listen to it? Because I’m a decent human being. Do I like that friends boyfriend in the least? Fuck no! Do I tell her this? Fuck no! Because it’s not in my place to. She needs to realize this on her own. So, now she is down one more friend because of him. I never did like him since I met him. She says that she has lost many friends because they do not like him. Does she stop to wonder: “Hm…so many of my friends don’t like him. There must be a reason. Hm…I wonder what it is?” But no, she’s too blinded by the fact that she’s in a relationship (which by the way I think is partially because she doesn’t remember how to not be, and needs the companionship) and in a controlling one where she can’t even appear like she’s thinking for herself. But, that is her problem not mine.

Another person that I hang around…I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut around about a lot of things…Pretty much everything. So, then why do I hang around that? There isn’t any point in making myself feel uncomfortable.

With those types of people? I feel like I’m forcing my presence upon them. Like they would do better with a companion that is more suited for their needs. And, quite honestly that can not be me.

Since the stuff that happened with my ex boyfriend, and moving away from a situation that was dangerous for me…I have finally come to love and appreciate who I am. Me as the person, not physically. I really do need to loose weight but that is another topic all together. I feel lonely because I don’t have someone to talk to that feels comfortable around me and we both feel accepted by the other completely and 100%. Sure, I have my online friends that I can talk to about anything, but they aren’t in my physical reality and I am not in their physical reality. Its just the internet connecting us so that we can socialize. That’s not really fair to either one of us.

And here is the dark part. First of all I am not suicidal. But, I do wonder why I was even born. Mom says it was to experience life. Experience life? Terrible politicians like Trump? A word where everyone is judgmental with everyone else? A world where there are wars fought mainly because of differences in Race and Religion? A world where I have not met anyone that I feel completely and totally accepted by? Sure a wonderful world it is! **note the sarcasm**

Yes, I could get out and meet people. But, I’m moving soon so there is no point in finding many more friends here that I would be leaving behind. There is no one that I feel comfortable with that I feel accepted with, and that feels comfortable and accepted by me. With out that I feel like there isn’t really anything to look forward to. I’ve seen people with best friends and its like they see another spectrum of colour that I can’t. A lot like those individuals with colour-blindness and they try those sunglasses (sorry I can’t remember the name for those sunglasses). The friend is that pair of sunglasses though.

I could send this to my mother…but I doubt she would still grasp it. She would still try to say that I need to go to counselling again and blah blah blah. That is not what I need. I put things plain as day…and she still decides to interpret it as something else. And, that is something else that I need from a person. And a best friend would. The understand what you mean, and don’t misinterpret it…

I said to my mother the other day which is another macabre way of thinking. I hope that I pass before her. Because I don’t want to be in a world by myself where I am feeling this way. And, yeah that is pretty selfish of me. Again, I am not suicidal at all. Trust me I am way too chicken to even do that. I hate even the thought of pain.

Mom sent a text to me yesterday, and it was intended to be a positive one. But, the way that the speech pattern is…I feel very disconnected from it. To me the speech pattern and the way that she chose the words, and sometimes the words that she chooses…feels very unreal to me and disconnected…like I can’t connect with it all and feel it is very meaningful for me. Its just the way I am.

Anyway enough of this rant. Today shall be a good day! I now have that typed up and out of myself…I hope. Sorry for unloading all of that…to anyone that might be reading it.

Ciao.

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